Some of you, people, have tried internet dating right? I too, had thought I shoul try it cause maybe it will help find someone of fits what I aspire in life in a relationship! But in the end I feel like I just get less and less confident, natural and comfortable with time. Why? Probably because of old trauma in fact. I was always the bullied kid when I was little, but I always had my head in a book so, I suppose I was just considered different. Kids were imitating their parents by being afraid of difference and/or thinking there is a normal way to behave so they cast me aside. Which is a normal reaction from anyone old enough to have lost a bit of the open heart of the toddler and really young kids. At first I thought I was the only one doing that to myself, now I understand that I was driven by fear of the other kid who, even if they didn’t bullied me, didn’t say anything and was also driven away by the kid who did bullied me. In the end we could safely say it was both me and the kids who bullied me that are at fault for that old trauma.They cast me aside of their society a bit, I did the rest, wich mean putting myself aside even more.
Which brings me to the subject I want to talk about ; on a dating website there is a lot of « normal » girl, which make me uneasy. I am not really good with relationship in fact because I always feel like people are used to another way of doing things. I am used to be different and had thouhgt that by now I was used to it and strong enough to confront society in a really weird way. In a weird way cause I don’t really see why I choose the dating websites to understand I wasn’t ready for it! Wich is a lot like me, experience brings out the truth right? But the things is once you are a friend you get everything from me: my time, my love, my understanding, my open mind and the truth on who I am, how I feel and all. But a love reliationship, is not something I am always confortable woth cause I am of those people who are more in need of a really good friend with whom I can live something more profound and complete than a simple boyfriend. I did that before, now I want someone with whom I can share things with.So since I understand It is not worth it to change myself for someone I will just pass my way if explaining doesn’t work!
I will also close my account on the dating websites believing that putting my ego in front of me is not something I want to do in life! I live with my heart open and will continue to do so. What I get from that experience is that even on a website made for meeting new people it’s not that easy. It still take lots of time and effort! I understand to, that even when you think you had cured yourself of traumas sometimes they still come back to you at th weirdest times. Unless you forgive yourself and the perpretators nothing gonna wprk itself out all alone!